Friday, May 15, 2015

Charli - Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attacks

I have been unhappy for many years, especially since 2010.

It has increased as I have grown up, events like the passing of my best friend and issues at my school becoming ever more difficult to deal with. I have been in various types of counselling in the years since.

This year, everything seemed to come to a head. I have been unable to work some days, crying about going to school. I've been suffering from panic attacks since February; mainly due to my school environment. It's had a small hit on my education, but, thankfully, not too much.

I never really thought I had any type of anxiety. I've had rituals and what I used to call "severe paranoia" for years, but I'd never thought much of it. I'd never thought that the thoughts about the one time I got in trouble which haunted me at night were anything abnormal. I never thought any of it was abnormal.

My first panic attack occurred due to the situation at hand - I'd had an issue with a teacher which mum had called the school about. I was scared to go into a lesson with them, because I hadn't seen them since, and was worried that they hated me and etcetera. We thought it was a one time thing.

It happened again the next week. We figured out that my English group was a issue, but we still didn't think it was going to happen again. It happened again on Friday, and then we knew the school itself was the issue at hand.

I had one at Scout camp the next day, down to adrenaline and new surroundings. Afterwards, it was quite funny - my friend Josh, whom I've mentioned before forgot what he was meant to do to help and it ended up with everyone flapping a little bit.

And so, off to the GP we went. He referred me to CAMHS, whom I've had my introduction session with, and I'm due to have some CBT in July. But anyway.

Me and my family had some misunderstandings with my school over it all, but they weren't unsupportive after we found out what was really happening. They've given me a stress ball and told teachers; so it's okay. The panic attacks since the initial two weeks have been pretty much daily, averaging 3 or 4 a week.

The anxiety is one thing that's hindered me; there's been days where I've had to have first lesson off because I can't walk in, I have to leave lessons randomly and the attacks make me exhausted. I'm learning to put a handle on them, though.

The depression is another thing. We think I have some form of survivor's guilt, and that a lot of other events with extended family and bullying haven't helped along the way. I'm going into that side less here, but it's another element to everything.

I get a bitter taste in my mouth when girls at school say they're depressed, or OCD, or anything of the sort. A lot of my group of friends are also going through some sort of similar issue, and it's not a great situation for any of us.

However. On Monday, my mum went to an appeal panel for a school that I really wanted to go to, and on Wednesday we had the call that they've given me a place, and I may have cried, a tiny bit. Everyone at school knows and although everyone, including myself, is sad; we all know it's what's best, and I'm excited to start there in the next few weeks.

So, that's what's been up with me for a few months; and I apologise for those waiting on reviews and anyone who happened to miss me. I hope that after my end of years next week, and finding out when I'll be moving school, I can get back into it; at least a little bit.

I don't know how eloquent this is; but I wanted to update you because I know I haven't been very active lately and I don't want anyone to be worried.

Charli x

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this Charli, anxiety and depression can be excruciating so thank you so, so much for sharing this with us. CBT is a great start for you, especially when you've started having anxiety attacks because it helps you re-organise your thoughts so you don't immediately start thinking the worst thing. I've improved greatly for it. I hope things start looking up for you and remember you WILL be okay! *hugs*.

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  2. Charli, Charli, Charli, I had no idea. If you ever need to talk, Amber is here. For advice, amusement, and random rhymes that were not supposed to be rhymes, apparently.

    I'm so glad your school has been supportive and that it hasn't affected your education too much. Good luck with your new school and hopefully a different environment with different people will help. I was finally, after two fudging years, referred to CAMHS in January and started CBT not long after. Well done for getting help. It's hard but it'll all work out in the long run.

    Unsolicited advice which you might not need but it helps me: write down your thoughts, no matter how dark they are. Get them out of your system. And if you're stressed or exhausted or anxious, just stop what you're doing if you can, or go back to it later. Forgive yourself and give yourself time to just... be. :)

    *hugs*

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  3. *hug* Just in case you needed that. I know how hard it must be for you right now Although I can't really say that I understand and know what you're going through because how can I? My sister suffers from anxiety, my best friend has depression and someone close to me has passed because of her depression. My life is filled with trying to help people with mental illness. Some days are better than others.
    I hope this new start is exactly what you need and that you'll be back to happily reading, reviewing and blogging when the time is right. *hugs*

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  4. Charil oooh , i'm sorry *hugs and more hugs even more hugs* make sure your friends family suppport you and take your time. Hope have a nice time at your new school. if you the to talk am on twitter ( @Potterdaydreams)

    Jaden @ Potterhead Daydreams ( Was Known as Booklol160

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