Saturday, May 14, 2016

goodnight, taw

dear to another world,

i love you, please don't forget that. you've been put some rough old times, and i'm ever so sorry for that. i'm so sorry for leaving you.

but we both know it's what i need. i need to let go of what is attached to this blog, i need to love blogging again, and i just can't do that here anymore.

i've tried, the last little while. a couple poems and a thoughful post. but it's not enough. i cannot love taw the way that twelve to fourteen year old me did, i don't have the energy to stress over arc's and deadlines and the guilt that has come for the last year over not being able to review books.

especially now with the developments in my health. both physical and mental, everything has gotten a little harder, and i can't live the same way i was before.

i love every single word that i have written here, and it will stay here, on this tiny piece of the internet. unlike my previous blog, i won't delete you.

i hope my followers and friends will still love and support me. they can come find me over at charli's quiet musings, and i hope that that's what they do.

i love you taw. never forget that.

love, charli. x

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

"what do I need" (charli attempts poetry #2)

"what do I need?"

it is so hard
when no-one can tell you
quite what you need to hear
when you need someone to just
tell you straight what
it is that you need to do

when everyone is trying
to lay off the pressure
but somewhat that is
just what you need

you feel like you're living a lie
walking through school
they all think you have it together
because you're "the smart one"
(and you have been for years)

when, actually-
everything is brimming
ready to bubble over
just like it did last november

you got that interview
you're meeting all your deadlines
but like the bag on your back
it is pushing
weighing
you down (like a stone).

they want decisions
simple ones; lunch choice?
hard ones; exams?
every. single. one.
is far too much. 

state how proud you are
of how far i've come
but take that pride
and help me with the next
my battle isn't over
those words aren't the ones
that will finally let me win

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

on childhood and on comfort

I've loved reading since I was really young - younger than most, I was a toddler when I learnt to read and to love it. Reading has given me so much comfort for many parts of my life and I just wanted to discuss that a little bit today.

I've been through quite a bit - that's something I can be fairly certain about. This started with bullying and progressed to loss and change and family trouble and mental health issues; and I feel like books have held my hand all the way through that.

My best primary school comforts were probably Jacqueline Wilson and Cathy Cassidy. And you may say, weren't everyone's? But I think for me it was different - I read them younger than everyone else, and then when I was being challenged by my teachers with things like Lord of the Rings, and others of similar calibre, they were just books to get back to and to collect and love.

I met Jacqueline Wilson twice through primary - once in year 5, with a friend who ironically later became the bully. I froze up because her family were judging me, and the shop was busy, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if I accidentally came across as rude because of anxiety surrounding it all.  A couple of years later, I went to see a talk in which the first 100 to buy tickets got to meet her, and I had the loveliest little chat about the characters and her being my inspiration.

I also met Cathy Cassidy a couple years ago (again with a friend who no longer is such (*sigh*). Even though by this point I wasn't really reading her stuff, only the last few Chocolate Box Girls, I had wanted to meet her for years and so of course I did. She's one of the nicest people I've ever met, so if you get that opportunity, do it.

Later on, it became Sophie McKenzie. Yet another author that I read too young! But she stuck with me for quite a few years - from about year 4 to year 8. I loved every single one of her books, from her few romance series to the more thrilling ones. The only ones I never read were the Medusa Project books - mainly because the library didn't have them all, and I wouldn't read them out of series!! I met Sophie in 2014, and again, she was SO LOVELY, and I was so awestruck when she already knew me!

In the last two years, there has been no one specific that has held my attachment. John Green, David Levithan and Rainbow Rowell of course have my heart, and I could read Solitaire every single day, in all honesty. Whilst I was in hospital, I read a lot of what could be seen as typical "chick-lit" books - because they were so simple and it was just nice to get away. Everyone knows romance is my guilty book pleasure, anyway.

The point is, with me, is that I love comforting myself with beautiful words, weaved by someone that has sat and written them for me to consume, for me to love every word and for me to smile at the romance and, perhaps rarely, but occasionally shed a tiny tear. I love taking myself elsewhere, away from whatever hardship I may be facing, and I have always loved that a book can do that. People see them as just paper bound by a shiny cover, but it is what is on that paper that can do magic.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

"day in the life" (charli attempts poetry)

"day in the life"

my morning routine runs continuously through my head
teeth/dress/meds/hair/bag/shoes/food

i take my cocktail of coloured pills
anti-anxiety, painkillers, vitamins
(my way of getting through the day)
drag a brush through my hair
heart thumping all the while

first lesson of the day
heart calms but i am still on guard
lunch in the hall makes it worse
i get through with the tangle in my pocket

by the end of the day the pain in my wrists is screaming
and i can't get on the buses anymore
too many people, too little space, too hard to breathe

therapy and hospital appointments
i wonder how much the nhs has spent on me
all accompanied by a sibling who
has become king of distraction in the bad times

my dinners are small these days and i seperate the foods
anything to make it less overwhelming
my puddings have a side of painkillers

somedays i lie on my bed for hours
non-verbal, i only communicate through written word.
and naturally,
pain and exhaustion are still pressing issues

heavy breathing, sensory paralysis
people ask me if i'm okay,
i tell them it's nothing i haven't done before
but really, it's terrifying every single time.

i go to bed (having taken more meds)
i cannot dwell on the day because
after all... i will wake up and do it all again the next. 

note: this may not be very good, but I liked it enough as it explains my current life after inpatient and going back to school. there aren't any capitals because that's how I always write :) 
thank you for reading :)

Sunday, March 13, 2016

My Life Next Door by Huntley Fitzpatrick

The Garretts are everything the Reeds are not. Loud, numerous, messy, affectionate. And every day from her balcony perch, seventeen-year-old Samantha Reed wishes she was one of them... until one summer evening, Jase Garrett climbs her terrace and changes everything. As the two fall fiercely in love, Jase's family makes Samantha one of their own. Then in an instant, the bottom drops out of her world and she is suddenly faced with an impossible decision. Which perfect family will save her? Or is it time she saved herself?

Author: Huntley Fitzpatrick
Publisher: Electric Monkey
Date of Publication: January 7th 2016
Pages: 464
Source: Review copy from the publisher
Goodreads | Amazon

I received a free copy of this book from Electric Monkey in exchange for a honest review. This does not affect my review/opinions in any way. Thank you!

I received and read this while I was still in hospital - my mum bought the package in and I squealed when I opened it (by this point, I was feeling uninspired by the small selection of my TBR that I had in my room). This is one that has been on my wishlist for a very, very long time.

Now, if you know me at all - you will know I have a big soft spot for romance novels. I used to be fairly ashamed of it, as a feminist; but I realised that it wasn't anti-feminist to like a few cliches once in a while. So, naturally, I let myself read My Life Next Door in the space of a day, whenever I had the chance between my classes and therapies.

When you start My Life Next Door, it seems to be a slight Romeo-and-Juliet plot, but further on, I think I'd disagree. While they have to be secret or undercover, there's no real split between the two families - just elitist disapproval and misunderstanding from Samantha's mum. And this element of social class made it all the more interesting; and not just because I study sociology! I was so sure that I'd hate Samantha in the beginning; but you learn that she's not the issue.

I loved George, Jase's younger brother. I haven't loved a supporting character like I have George in a very long time - he is absolutely adorable and just made it more fun to read and to laugh it. Younger kids always make romances slightly more interesting, with their mischief, interruptions or insinuations, and I couldn't have loved him more.

I can see why people have issues with this - and yes, they did run through the cynical part of me - but I just liked it too much, and I had to overlook them. Yes, it seemed "meant to be", because the mum hated the family and Samantha had been watching them from her window. Okay, I know. But I just love the nice feeling of reading these books and smiling at how people come to love each other.

This book definitely had cliches, and parts where it made me roll my eyes, but I generally really enjoyed it and it uplifted me during my hospital admission - and that's all I could ask for, really.

Saturday, February 06, 2016

Let's Chat: Stigma and Where I've Been

Hi! Long time no see, right??

If you don't remember, my name is Charli and I run To Another World... sometimes. I wouldn't be surprised if I've been a little bit forgotten!

So, for the last 9 or so weeks I've been in a mental health adolescent unit - my anxiety issues spiraled far out of control and a medication went a bit wrong. I'm being very open about it because I figure, how do we get rid of stigma without someone talking about it?

People see these units like old asylums, and I assure you they are nothing of the sort. They are like communal living, essentially - individual bedrooms, shared kitchen, dining room and lounges. The staff are lovely and supportive; and the patients are some of the best people I've ever met.

Yes, there are incidents and alarms and it becomes hard some days; but my experience has been enlightening and helpful. We have about 5 types of therapy each week, as well as lessons, and it's been great.

Back to me. I'm getting discharged on Wednesday! So, hopefully I'll gradually be back to blogging; I have about 3 months of schoolwork to catch up on, but I want to try, because blogging is something I am still firmly in love with.

I love you all, and thank you for the support;
Charli